Ephesians Study 13:

The Household Codes, Part 1

Introduction

Hello again to everyone who is joining me today. My name is Sarah Bradbury, and this is Garden to Glory: The Mystery of God.

You are listening to the thirteenth installment in the study on the book of Ephesians. In our last few studies, we have been looking at how the knowledge of God’s loving, mysterious plan for all of time should move us to act differently in the world.

We have seen how we, as children of light, shine into the darkness of the world around us. This light moves us to avoid participating in the sins of darkness and to choose righteous acts of love instead. These acts of love are a childlike imitation of the love we see in Jesus. They make us more like our Father in Heaven. As this happens, our unity with God and each other increases.

Today, we will move on to a new section of Paul’s practical instructions for the church in Ephesus. In this part of the letter, Paul transitions to more specific instructions for how to allow God’s light to change the way these believers functioned in the time and culture in which they lived.

Paul highlights this different way of living by using a form of instruction that his earliest readers would have been immensely familiar with, “the household codes.”

The Controversy of Interpretation

Household codes were a form of societal instruction that was common in the Graeco-Roman culture in which the Ephesian people of Paul’s day lived. These codes discussed the culturally-recognized relationships in the typical household of a Roman citizen at that time. The emphasis of these codes in secular society was to maintain order through hierarchy and submission.

There are a few places in the Bible where the structure of household codes is implemented. These codes are some of the most controversial passages in all of the New Testament. 

The verses in these passages have been used to argue that women in marriages have no right or ability to make decisions. They have also been used to defend women and to contend for their equal participation and consideration in all of married life.

These verses have been used by Christians to defend the practice of slavery, and they have also been used by Christians to argue for abolition.

In religious homes where order and submission is prized over love and grace, parents frequently turn to these household codes for the religious authority to demand unquestioning obedience from their children. Yet these codes are also where a child can turn to appeal to their parents for consideration of their feelings.

Given the difficulty of this passage, we will discuss the cultural context of these household codes before we attempt to read our verses for today. Learning what Paul’s first readers would have known about these codes before Paul wrote this letter will help us know how to understand these verses when we read them.

Introduction to Household Codes

Several hundred years before Paul’s time, Aristotle wrote instructions on how to promote and maintain order in society through hierarchical family and societal structures. These instructions were called household codes.

Aristotle’s view on how to run a typical household at that time was so popular that it became the foundation for society in both the Greek and Roman empires. 

Other philosophers and historians over the years developed their own versions of these codes as well, but they all had certain things in common.

Household codes described the proper functioning of a house by dividing its inhabitants into three types of relationships: husband/wife, parent/child, and master/slave. There were, of course, people living at that time who would not have fit neatly into these specific categories (widows, orphans, etc.). Nonetheless, these three relationships were considered to be the building blocks of an orderly and stable society.

In secular household codes, the emphasis in each paired relationship was on establishing who has authority over the other. Having a clear chain of command in the house was seen as essential for the functioning of both the family and society as a whole.

Aristotle and others argued that it was part of the obvious, natural order of things that men were suited to rule over women. Women were suited to obey men. Adults were clearly meant to be in charge of children, and according to Aristotle, slaves did not have the ability to reason at all. So, of course they needed to be ruled as well.

Household Codes in Practice

These societal rules governed the culture in which the Ephesians lived. The Roman Empire prized authority, structure, and obedience as the primary virtues of society.

The household codes that were so prevalent in this culture took great pains to justify their authoritarian way of life as a moral good. According to these codes, an adult, free male was the apex of humanity. It was his moral duty to enforce authority on everyone in his household.

Roman law upheld this power structure by giving the eldest male of each family absolute legal power over everyone under his roof. He had the power to make all financial decisions. He decided who his children would marry. He even had the power to decide if someone in his house should live or die. This power was immense and unchecked within his household.

The household codes in secular society encouraged this complete power as a moral good. The concepts of mercy, kindness, and love – on the other hand – were simply missing.

This authoritarian leadership model fits the description that Jesus gave his disciples about worldly authorities in Matthew 20:25-28. It says:

But Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give His life as a ransom for many.”

Although the secular household codes were meant to lay out the responsibilities of each member of the house, the only responsibility of the more powerful person in each relational pairing was to exercise authority over the others. The idea of serving someone below your command was absurd.

The person in the weaker position of these relationships was not even addressed in these codes, though their obedience was still demanded. Household codes were meant to keep the weaker in their place and to give moral and legal authority to the powerful.

The entire point of these codes was to justify the use of power and authority over those deemed unworthy of wielding it.

The Codes of Paul

This is the context in which Paul writes his version of the household codes. In light of the unity and love that should be shown in the life of every Christian, how does Paul instruct believers to function within these roles that their society had placed them in?

Like the codes of the secular society of that time, Paul addresses the three relationships that made up the household structure of the Greco-Roman culture: husband and wife, parent and child, and master and slave.

Today we will focus on the pairing of husbands and wives. We will discuss what these instructions mean and how they differ from the expectations given in the secular household codes.

Ephesians 5:21-33 says:

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of His body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up His life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to Himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of His body.

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

As Paul introduces his household codes, he begins by grounding all of them in the singular command for all Christians to submit to each other out of reverence for Jesus.

From this, we can see that the commands to submit to each other apply to every Christian, not just those who find themselves in a lower position in society. 

Addressing the Weaker

Another change we see immediately is that Paul – when addressing the husband and wife relationship – begins by addressing the wife. This would have been immensely noteworthy and likely a bit scandalous in Paul’s day. 

Household codes typically did not address the person in the lower social position at all. It would be even more unusual to address the person with lower status first. 

Paul’s choice to address the wife before the husband was a conscious choice to give honor to the person in the weaker position. Paul continues this pattern throughout these codes by addressing children before parents and slaves before masters.

The message is clear: the people who find themselves in the weaker earthly position have honor in the household of God.

In Luke 22:24-27, Jesus explains this same basic principle to His disciples. It says:

Then they began to argue among themselves about who would be the greatest among them. Jesus told them, “In this world the kings and great men lord it over their people, yet they are called ‘friends of the people.’ But among you it will be different. Those who are the greatest among you should take the lowest rank, and the leader should be like a servant. Who is more important, the one who sits at the table or the one who serves? The one who sits at the table, of course. But not here! For I am among you as one who serves.

Another immediate difference between Paul’s codes and the prevailing codes of the day is the reason given for the submission of each person to one another. It is not due to an assumed superiority of nature. 

The reason given is reverence for Christ. Because we love Jesus and we are one with Him, we submit to each other. Then Paul goes on to describe what that submission looks like in each of the roles that society imposed on the culture of this time and place.

Who Submits?

When we read this passage about wives and husbands, we tend to think that wives are supposed to submit, not husbands. Husbands are just supposed to love, right?

However, Paul has put all of these instructions under the same command we read in verse 21: for all believers to submit to each other. In fact, when we read in our modern English translations “wives submit to your husbands,” we miss something that would have been clear in the original Greek. The word “submit” is actually missing from this sentence. 

It’s not so much that our translations are wrong, but in the Greek text, the word “submit” is only present in the command for believers to submit to each other. 

Then Paul says, “wives to your husbands.” Wives are commanded to submit, but it is clear from the Greek that this submission is not of a different variety than the type of submission all believers should have for one another.

This submission is not about establishing a hierarchy of leadership. Instead, it’s about Christians loving and submitting to each other in whatever relational context they are in.

Just like we assume wives should love their husbands – even though this passage only commands love from the husband to his wife – we ought to realize that husbands also submit to their wives. Husbands loving their wives and giving up their lives for them is a type of submission. But before we expound on that love, we need to discuss a few more things about Paul’s instructions to wives.

Do I Listen to God or My Husband?

Paul said in verse 22, “For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” This is a verse that has been weaponized against women for centuries. 

Ladies, if you are married, your husband may be wonderful, but he is definitely not Jesus! We do not submit to any person or authority on Earth in the same exact way that we submit to Jesus.

As Christians, we are called to submit to all kinds of earthly authorities. However, we know and scripture affirms that we do not place any authority higher than the authority of God.

This verse is not telling women to place the commands of their husbands on the same level as the commands of Jesus. Rather, Paul is contrasting the motives of Christian submission with the motives of obedience to earthly rule given in the household codes of Aristotle and others.

Paul is telling us here that women should submit to their husbands not because they are somehow better than their wives. It’s not even because they are right. The reason wives are to submit is because of their love for Jesus. The words “as to the Lord” shows that their service is not rooted in any worth of their husbands. Rather, it is rooted in the fact that everything they do is meant to be an act of worship to God.

This submission of wives is parallel to the command that we are all to submit to each other in reverence for Christ. The reason Paul includes this here is not to remove all possible caveats for wives to decide that they should ever go against the whims of their husbands. 

Instead, Paul is purposely elevating women here. He is saying that submission is a choice that you make, not something your husband enforces you to do. He is saying that the reason for this submission is not because “the male is by nature fitter for command than the female,” as Aristole wrote. It’s not even because he holds the power of life and death over you, even though legally he did at this time. 

Rather, Paul is saying that when you willingly choose to submit to your husband out of love for Jesus, you are serving God. Your life, your work, and your relational efforts matter. God sees them. These verses are not about keeping women “in their place.” These verses are turning society on its head by saying women have the honor of serving God by their submission. 

Ruling or Providing? The Definition of Head

Women of this time didn’t really have a choice. Their husbands could rule over them whether they liked it or not, but they did have a choice in their willingness and attitude in working with their husband. Paul was giving their life experiences power. They were servants of God.

In a society in which husbands controlled everything, wives were dependent on them for life, protection, money, food, and, well… everything.

It is this concept that Paul has in mind when he writes Ephesians 5:22-24, which says: 

For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of His body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

The concept of “head” or “headship” can be a little complicated in Scripture. In the Jewish culture, being the “head” of someone carried the connotation of authority or rule, but in Greek and Roman cultures, “headship” had a different nuance.

Being the “head” would not have invoked the idea of authority. Rather, it would have had a meaning more akin to “source.” Life was viewed as being given to the body by the head. The head provided for the body. Because Paul’s audience for the book of Ephesians was almost entirely Gentile, he likely had the view of “head” as source when he was writing this letter.

The emphasis here is once again not about authority. Instead, it’s about mutual love, submission, and benefit to each other. Jesus is the source of life for the church. He is our Savior! It is because of His love and provision for us that we gladly submit to Jesus.

Why would we ever fight against or be antagonistic toward the one who died to make us holy and clean? Of course we willingly align our actions and desires with the One who has proven Himself to be working for our good.

This is what the husband – given the power he had in this culture – should be doing for his wife. He should be a source of life to her. He should be providing for her. There was no other way for wives to get their needs met in this society.

Paul will go on to teach husbands to do these very things. He will instruct them to give themselves up for their wives.

Paul tells wives that as Christ is the source of life for the church, their husbands are a source of life for them. As the church responds to the loving care of Christ by submitting to His loving direction, it is fitting that wives submit to their husbands who love and provide for them. 

By comparing the loving, servant leadership of Jesus to the leadership of husbands, Paul is anticipating the instructions he will soon give to husbands about laying their lives down for their wives. 

This sacrificial love is the foundation for a mutual relationship which allows these wives to submit to their husbands in a way that not only honors God, but also brings them benefit. Submitting to a person who loves you is for your good.

The Reality of Abuse

One thing that is important to keep in mind due to sin is that not all husbands act as a source of life for their wives. There is such a thing as abuse in this world. In fact, historically and statistically speaking, the most dangerous person a woman will ever meet is her spouse.

In the United States, over half of all female homicide victims are murdered by intimate partners. Globally, 60% of the murders of women were performed by a partner or family member.

In Genesis 3:16, God explained to Eve some of the results that sin would have on the female experience in this broken world. It says:

Then He said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”

One of the primary outcomes of sin is a power struggle between husbands and wives. The text doesn’t give us a great definition of what it means for wives to desire control of their husbands (although I and others have some theories about how this plays out with many women).

Regardless of the particulars, we do know that because of the curse of sin, women in general will want control of their husbands in some way or another. Despite this desire, this verse says that husbands will exercise control over them. 

In the original language, it is clear that this control is a domineering, abusive rule. This is not part of the original sinless design that God had for relationships. Because of sin, men and women desire to have control over each other, and men – due primarily to their physical advantages – win that power struggle, to the detriment of women.

Give up the Power Struggle

This is exactly what the Apostle Paul is trying to correct. Wives, give up your quest to win control. Husbands, lay down the power you have over your wife and work for her good.

It’s not about who is in charge. Rather, this is about giving up your quest to win, and it benefits you both to work for each other instead of against each other.

Let’s see what this mutual submission looks like from the power position of the husband. Ephesians 5:25-30 says:

For husbands, this means love your wives just as Christ loved the church. He gave up His life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to Himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of His body.

This passage of instruction to husbands was revolutionary. Like I said before, the original household codes put zero restrictions on husbands in their relationship to their wives. 

Lay Down Your Life

The only duty of a husband in Roman society was to enforce his own will on the people in his household. Yet here, Paul not only requires husbands to care about their wives, but he puts greater restrictions on husbands than he did on wives. 

“Submit to the person who cares for you” is not nearly as intense as “lay down your life for your wife.” Paul is not just telling men to be willing to take a bullet for their wives if it comes to that. Paul is telling husbands to care for their wives the same way they care about themselves.

Do you want to watch that football game this afternoon? Well, what about your wife? What is it that she wants to do? Do you care about making that experience happen for her as much as you care about watching your game?

In the U.S., women who work at least 35 hours a week spend an average of 4.9 hours a day on household work while men who work those same hours spend 3.8 hours a day on household work.

Thankfully, the gap between the male and female household contributions is narrowing, but the existence of that gap shows that men – in general – have been placing their own desires ahead of their wives. As a society, we have allowed this to be the norm.

However, in a culture that openly esteemed the dominance and superiority of men without shame, Paul commanded husbands to put the desires of their wives ahead of their own.

A Wife is a Good Thing

He even goes so far as to say that doing so will result in their own flourishing. Like Paul tells wives that submitting to husbands who want their good will help them, he says to husbands that putting the good of their wives ahead of their own desires will result in their benefit as well.

Despite the fact that statistically a woman’s husband is the most dangerous person she will ever meet, the Bible does not say the same about a wife. In Proverbs 18:22, we read:

The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.

In Proverbs 31:11-12, we read this description of a wife of noble character:

Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

Of course, not all wives are of noble character, and there are women who do not bring their husbands good. We also have this verse from Proverbs 25:24:

It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

In my opinion, this quote from Margaret Atwood sums up the situation quite nicely. It says: “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.”

I believe this is why – when God spoke to Eve about the results of sin entering the world – she received the warning that the power struggle between men and women would result in the domineering rule of men over women. 

Are Men Commanded to Lead?

Many people inside and outside of the church have advocated for a power structure within marriage that gives husbands the authority to command their wives in all areas of life. These same people have often used this passage in Ephesians to give this position biblical authority. “Wives are supposed to submit to their husbands,” they say. It’s right there!

Based off the command for wives to submit themselves to their husbands, many people will say that the main function of a husband is to lead their wives.

These ideas of leading and following in marriage are so prevalent that many churches see these roles as foundational not only to marriage, but to the understanding of what it means to be male and female in general.

However, the Bible gives no such instruction to husbands. There is no place in all of Scripture that commands husbands to be leaders. Nowhere does it say that a husband should make sure his wife obeys.What it does command is that husbands should love their wives; that they should lay their lives down for them. 

If you as a husband believe that the Bible grants you special privilege over your wife because of these verses, you should know that if the Bible grants you anything because of your status, it is not the right to order your wife around. Instead, it is the right and duty to lay your life down for her.

Is Loving and Submitting Only for Marriage?

However, this command of self-sacrificing love is not solely for husbands toward their wives. In John 15:12-13, Jesus says:

This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

In Philippians 2:2-4, Paul says:

Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

These are commands given to all believers, yet they look impressively like the commands given to husbands and wives. We should love each other. We should lay our lives down for each other. We should think of others as better than ourselves and look out for each other’s interests. Isn’t this submission and love?

The power structure we see in marriages after sin enters the world is not something to pursue; it is something that exists because of the brokenness in the world. When Jesus was on Earth, He inaugurated a new kingdom that will make all things new and reverse the effects of sin in the world.

The beginning of that restoration is seen in the lives of God’s people because we are joined to Jesus. Because of this, the desire to control and dominate each other in marriage is willingly abandoned by both wives and husbands.

Instead, we desire to see the good and flourishing of each other. Ephesians 5:31-33 tells us:

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. 

Conclusion

So, what are some principles we can take from this text written to a very different time and culture and apply to marriages today?

1. Whenever you find yourself in the position of power, you should use that power for your spouse.

Paul’s command for husbands to lay down their lives for their wives was given to husbands in particular because they held the power and authority in their society.

There are many ways to this day that men have societal advantages over women; we have already discussed some of them. In addition, there may be ways in which individual men have particular skills and abilities that their wives do not have. A wife might be dependent on her husband for any number of things. Maybe the husband is better at fixing things. Maybe he is stronger than she is. Maybe only he can reach the items on the top shelf.

Whether the husband makes more money, has talents that she doesn’t have, or is simply in a position to help lighten the load his wife carries, he should lay down his life for his wife and use whatever power he has for her benefit.

This is true for wives as well. Men may be bigger and stronger than women in general, but my husband will tell you this is not always the case!

While on average women still make less money than men, there are many women who make more than their husbands. Women can have handyman skills. They may be better at math, reading, cooking, budgeting, or yard work.

There may be generalities that are more common in one sex or the other, but when it comes down to it, whenever you evaluate two people, they will each inevitably have some areas of expertise that surpass the abilities of the other.

Women should also lay down their lives and their power for the benefit of their husbands. This is the pattern of Scripture. In Philippians 2:5-8, we read these instructions to all believers:

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though He was God, He did not think of equality with God as something to cling to.

Instead, He gave up His divine privileges; He took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When He appeared in human form, He humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

We too should be willing to let go of our privileges in service to each other.

2. Whenever you find yourself in the position of weakness, you should lovingly trust and support your spouse.

The idea that one spouse should always be in charge is problematic in so many ways. One of these problems is the fact that no one is always able to be in control.

For instance, illness is a part of life. Imagine a wife abstaining from making any decisions for several days because her husband is sick and can’t think straight enough to tell her what to do.

Decisions that can’t wait a few days may not be the kind of leadership choices you believe should be the sole responsibility of the husband, but what if the illness is longer?

What if a husband starts showing signs of dementia? One woman I met recently has a husband who has been suffering from MS for over a dozen years at this point. Schizophrenia, depression, and stroke can all suddenly appear and make it impossible for a husband to be the leader and decision maker in his family.

Marriage is for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. The default that one spouse will always and in every situation have the final word does not hold up to reality. Instead, husbands and wives must both rely and depend on each other, knowing that their spouse is part of their same body. This means that one cares for the other when that person needs it and trusts their partner to return that care when the need shifts back to the other person.

When you find yourself needing to lean on your spouse, don’t dictate how they should do every last thing. Trust them to care and provide for you as their own body. Let them fold the towels in whatever way they see fit!

3. In all of life, you should seek the good of your spouse.

The relationship of husband and wife is so close that they are one flesh. The good, joy, and flourishing of your spouse is your good also. Actively pursue their joy.

If you are hungry, don’t just make yourself a sandwich; ask your wife if she’d like one too! If you want to go out for a girls’ night, ask your husband if he would like to go watch the game with his friends. 

Whenever there is conflict in how you want to spend your time, seek to put the desire of your spouse ahead of your own. This is both how you submit and lay your life down for them.

So, whether you are a husband, a wife, or neither, I will leave you with this prayer: 

May God help you as you seek to live more like Jesus, submitting to one another for His sake and laying your life down for your friends like He has done for you.