Ephesians Study 14:

The Household Codes, Part 2

Introduction

Hello again to everyone who is joining me today. My name is Sarah Bradbury, and this is Garden to Glory: The Mystery of God. 

You are listening to the fourteenth installment in the study on the book of Ephesians. In our last study, we learned about the familial and social instructions common in the culture of Paul’s day known as the “household codes.”

We looked at the way these codes promoted authority and dominance of the patriarch of each household over the other members of the house. We also saw that these codes ignored or eliminated any rights of the people who were under that authority.

While the secular household codes of Paul’s day promoted authority and the domineering rule of the patriarch in each household, Paul wrote a different version of these codes for the family of God.

In the household of God, it is not privilege and authority that dominate the relationships within the family. Instead, it is mutual submission done in love because of our oneness with Jesus. 

In our last study, we saw the beginning of this transformative revelation in Paul’s instructions to husbands and wives on how to live as one body in the cultural structure they were part of.

Today, we will look at the other two relationship pairs in the household codes. This will allow us to see how the command for all believers to submit to each other plays out in two other common social relationships of Paul’s time.

Then we will seek to identify the patterns present in all of these relationships. This will allow us to find principles that we can apply to a wide variety of relationships that we may find ourselves in today.

We will begin by reading Paul’s instructions to children and parents. Ephesians 6:1-4 says:

Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.

As we look at the way Paul addresses children, I’d like us to note that as Paul approaches the parent/child relationship, he once again addresses the position with the least authority first (just like he did with wives and husbands). 

In the Roman culture of Paul’s day, it was a sign of honor and respect to address the most important people first. Paul continues to make a statement by addressing children before parents, and particularly before fathers. Paul is signaling to his earliest readers that the position of weakness is worthy of respect.

Having established that children are worthy of not only being addressed directly, but first, Paul goes on to give them instructions.

The Motives for Obedience

At the time Paul was writing this letter, children were required by law to obey their parents. Paul does not negate this law. He also requires that children obey their parents. However, the difference we see in Paul’s instructions to children versus the laws of their time is the motive for that obedience.

Paul does not tell children they should obey their parents because older people are smarter and better than kids. He doesn’t say they are more worthy of honor and privilege. Instead, Paul tells children to obey their parents because they belong to the Lord. 

This is the same command that was given to all believers back in Ephesians 5:21, which says:

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Paul also gave wives this same motive when he told them to submit to their husbands “as to the lord.” And we will soon see that Paul gives the same motive to slaves as well.

Paul continues to honor submission as a service – not to the person one is submitting to, but to God Himself. Paul treats the person in the lower societal position as an important contributor to the family of God. 

He does not see them as less than the people they submit to. Rather, Paul grants dignity to the position of servant by acknowledging that the person who serves is making a conscious choice to serve God. This obedience is not done mindlessly or as a result of coercion; it is a willing choice of the person obeying to accomplish the will of God.

However, lest we be tempted to view this motive of service to God as applying only to those in the weaker positions of the family structure, I’d like to point out that Paul gives the same motives for husbands loving their wives, fathers and masters treating their children and slaves well, and all believers submitting to each other.

Paul’s point here is not that some members of the household are more worthy to be listened to than others. Instead, his point is that regardless of your personal responsibilities, your willingness to love and work with others in the position you have is a service to God, not people. You have honor and dignity regardless of the power and authority you have been granted.

That Your Days May Be Long

Having established that children also have the honor of serving God in their responsibilities to their parents, Paul shares a couple quotes from the Old Testament. These verses show that their obedience is not only rooted in the laws of their culture, but commanded by God for their flourishing. 

Paul quotes the fifth command in the 10 Commandments. It is found in both Deuteronomy and Exodus.

Exodus 20:12 says:

Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

I picked a different translation for this verse than I typically use in these studies. The NLT version I normally reference states more emphatically that if you honor your parents, your days will be long. The truth is that this promise is a generality. In most cases, listening to your parents will be for your good. Parents typically love their children and seek their good.

Because of the experience that parents have and children lack – and because of parents’ love for their kids – it is a benefit to children to obey their parents. That obedience will work for their good, not their detriment.

However, we all recognize that children sometimes die young. This happens even if that child was generally obedient. The promise that obeying parents will cause someone’s life to be long does not negate the possibility of an illness, accident, or genetic issue cutting that life short.

This is general guidance. In most cases, listening to parents will be a benefit. Similar to the understanding that longevity of life is not guaranteed by obedience, we must also recognize that parents teaching their children well is not a given in this sinful world.

A Bad Example to Follow

In 1st and 2nd Kings, we have an account of King Ahab and his wife Jezebel. The Bible shows this couple to have had an evil influence on the people of Israel by promoting the worship of false gods in the land. Their rule also led to great persecution of the prophets of God and injustice for the people of the nation due to their evil.

King Ahab and his wife Jezebel had children. One of their kids was King Ahaziah. 1st Kings 22:52-53 describes the reign of King Ahaziah like this:

But he did what was evil in the Lord’s sight, following the example of his father and mother and the example of Jeroboam son of Nebat, who had led Israel to sin. He served Baal and worshiped him, provoking the anger of the Lord, the God of Israel, just as his father had done.

In 2nd Kings 1, we read of the death of King Ahaziah after only two years of rule in Israel. His death was commanded by God as a direct result of him following his parents’ example by worshipping other gods.

While we don’t read of King Ahaziah being directly commanded by his parents to worship other gods, the principle remains that following our parents’ direction has the potential to be for our detriment instead of our flourishing.

The Responsibility of Rebellion

The command to obey our parents does not negate the responsibility we have as individuals to follow after God. In Matthew 10:32-39, Jesus says:

Everyone who acknowledges Me publicly here on Earth, I will also acknowledge before My Father in Heaven. But everyone who denies Me here on Earth, I will also deny before my Father in Heaven.

Don’t imagine that I came to bring peace to the earth! I came not to bring peace, but a sword. “I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. Your enemies will be right in your own household!”

If you love your father or mother more than you love Me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than Me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you refuse to take up your cross and follow Me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for Me, you will find it.

We also have an account of Jesus’ response to his earthly family when He lived on the Earth in Matthew 12:46-50:

As Jesus was speaking to the crowd, His mother and brothers stood outside, asking to speak to Him. Someone told Jesus, “Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, and they want to speak to you.”

Jesus asked, “Who is My mother? Who are My brothers?” Then He pointed to His disciples and said, “Look, these are My mother and brothers. Anyone who does the will of My Father in Heaven is My brother and sister and mother!”

Children have the responsibility to obey their parents, but this obedience is not meant to be a blind, unquestioning obedience. As Christian children, we are responsible to evaluate whether or not we are able to obey our parents in genuine service to Jesus.

This does not mean that we should regularly disregard the requests of our parents because we don’t see the point of them. Rather, we are obligated to disobey any order that would require us to disobey God.

In Cases of Abuse

One circumstance regarding obedience in which we should have great caution is in families where abuse is present. Physical and sexual abuse of children is unfortunately immensely common. It is usually perpetrated by a family member, and often, that family member is a parent of that child.

In addition to this, verbal abuse has actually been shown to have greater long-term negative effects on children than physical abuse.

In speaking to children about the desire of God for them to obey their parents, it’s important that we clarify that obeying your parents does not require that you go along with abuse. It is not your responsibility to be your parents’ punching bag. You do not have an obligation to believe lies your parents may tell you that you are somehow unworthy of love. 

God made you in His image to reflect His very nature. Jesus died because of His love for you. No mere human can empty that sacrifice of the honor it gives you.

God has given your parents the responsibility of caring for you, protecting you, and guiding you. If your parents have abandoned and abused that responsibility, you are not required to enable that abuse, dismiss it, or lie to protect them from its consequences.

No parent is perfect; we all make mistakes. As recipients of God’s grace, we need to be quick to forgive when our parents confess their sin against us and take the responsibility of correcting their actions. Also, we as children ought to be quick to confess our sins against our parents and to make changes that move us toward love and reconciliation in those relationships.

However, the loving thing to do is not to allow sin to fester and grow in the lives of the people around us. The promise given to children that obeying their parents will result in things going well for them is not an umbrella for abusive parents to hide under. Rather, the assumption is that in this relationship, your parents ought to be working for your good.

The Responsibilities of Fathers

This is why Paul gives these instructions in Ephesians 6:4:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.

Once again, Paul breaks the tradition of the household codes of his day by putting restrictions on the more powerful party in the relationship. 

Secular household codes had no regard for fathers treating their children with kindness – only authority. It is interesting here that Paul makes a switch from using the term “parents” to commanding “fathers.”

While some have taken this change to indicate that fathers are more inclined to provoke anger in their children than mothers, I don’t believe this is the case.

There certainly may be general inclinations of men that could be more anger-provoking than the tendencies of women. However, women have immense ability to cause damage in the lives and psyches of their children as well. I have personally encountered the aftermath of abusive mothers on several occasions, and I know that the damage can be deep and long-lasting.

No, I don’t believe that Paul intends to indicate that fathers are the most likely parents to cause damage in their children. Rather,  Paul addresses fathers here because fathers are the ones who had the position of power in their culture.

The household codes of Paul’s day were less inclined to address parents. The emphasis of the secular household codes was the authority of the father over everyone else. The fact that Paul instructed children to obey their parents instead of just their dad was itself a deviation from the norm.

Paul believes that mothers should be obeyed as well as fathers. That in itself moved fathers from the position of complete authority into a role that requires collaboration with their wives.

Paul’s decision to address the father’s responsibility toward his children further emphasizes the pattern he has been laying out already: the person in a position of power ought to lay down his or her own desire for the sake of those under that power. Paul again references the motives for these relational actions as something we do in reverence for Jesus. He does this by telling fathers that the discipline and instruction they are to give should be something they have received from the Lord.

The Discipline and Instruction of the Lord

Paul says that bringing children up in this discipline and instruction is the opposite of provoking them to anger. Fathers are not meant to use their children to fulfill their whims. They are not to see them as cheap labor, and they are not to use their children to boost their own status or ego.

Fathers are to give their children godly instruction, not selfish direction. Not only that, but they must do this with consideration for their kids’ feelings. 

In Colossians, we find a very similar set of household codes to the ones we read in Ephesians. However, there is a slight change in the wording of the commands to fathers that we can find in that passage. Colossians 3:21 says:

Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.

The idea that children’s dispositions and feelings should matter to their fathers was completely opposed to the authoritative, domineering rule of Paul’s time.

The Upside-Down Kingdom

This is the change that is made when people follow a God who died on a cross for people who had nothing to offer Him. This is the upside-down nature of the Kingdom of God that Jesus inaugurated in His life.

In the famous Sermon on the Mount that Jesus preached, He talked about this seemingly backward nature of blessings given to those society deemed worthless. Jesus said the poor, the mournful, the humble, and the peacemakers are the ones who will be blessed. 

In Matthew 25, Jesus spoke of a final judgment in which people will be sorted by the love that they did or did not show to others. In this narrative, Jesus said, “Whatever you did to the least of these my brothers, you did to me.” The people Jesus identifies with are the sufferers of this world. It’s those who were hungry, thirsty, naked, a stranger, or in prison. Jesus elevates the weak of the world.

When confronted with a situation regarding the status of children, this is how Jesus responded. In Matthew 19:13-15, we read:

One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so He could lay His hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering Him.

But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” And He placed His hands on their heads and blessed them before He left.

Parents, your children are entrusted to your care. This is a great responsibility from God because He loves children. Whatever authority you exercise over your kids, you ought to do so in reverence for Jesus and consideration of your children’s feelings and ultimate good. Remember that Jesus identifies with those who are weaker and at the mercy of the more powerful. Take this responsibility seriously, because God does.

Slaves and Masters

As we talk about God’s love for people in positions of weakness, it is time to move on to the last relational pairing in the household codes. In Ephesians 6:5-9, we read:

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ. Try to please them all the time, not just when they are watching you. As slaves of Christ, do the will of God with all your heart. Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will reward each one of us for the good we do, whether we are slaves or free.

Masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Don’t threaten them; remember, you both have the same Master in heaven, and He has no favorites.

Because these verses have been used in the past to argue that the Bible approves of slavery, I’m going to ask the uncomfortable question that many others have asked before me: does the Bible support the idea of slavery as the way society should run?

I land firmly in the position that the Bible does not. Let’s explore the reason why. Once again, I believe it is important to compare the household codes of Paul with the household codes that were prevalent in society at this time.

Paul did not invent the categories that he divided his instructions into. These were positions in society that were recognized and determined outside of the authority of the church.

Paul did not command the positions of husbands and wives, children and parents, or slaves and masters, but he did acknowledge their existence. Paul’s instructions in the household codes did not command the ways in which society should be divided; he merely gave instructions for how people in positions of earthly power ought to treat those under their power and vice versa.

However, Paul does not call for a revolution here. He doesn’t tell Christians they should all release their slaves. Similarly, Paul didn’t instruct husbands to stop having power over their wives. Even if Paul had decided that he wanted to do away with these power structures completely, the church at this time was such a minority in the world that he would not have had the power to make such a revolutionary change to all of society.

Despite this, Paul called on husbands to lay down their lives for their wives. This instruction effectively did away with the authoritative power that husbands wielded. Similarly, when Paul addresses slaves and masters, he does not tell slaves they must obey because they are in the position that God ordained for them.

Instead, like Paul consistently does with every relational position in the household, he emphasizes here that the work a slave does is not for an earthly master. The work they do is a service to the Lord. It is not about the pleasure of the person over them; it is about their willingness to serve God.

A slave would have to serve their master without the benefit of pay or earthly gain. They did not have the right to make choices, and the motivation for their work was primarily avoiding punishment. Instead of this gloomy existence in which there was no hope of improving their circumstances, Paul tells these slaves that God will reward them for the good that they do. 

He also places these slaves on the same level as their masters when he emphasizes that the rewards they gain for their good work are given by God on the same grounds as to those who are free. God has no favorites. He requires people in any social position to do the work that they have been given to do with an attitude of service to God, not people.

So, yes, Paul tells slaves to serve their masters sincerely with respect and fear. Yet when Paul addresses masters, he tells them to treat their slaves in the same way. He removes the power of the master by telling them not to threaten. Threatening is the power they had to control their slaves, but Paul tells them to willingly give up that power. Not only this, but Paul tells masters they do not have a greater status than their slaves. Both master and slave serve the same God. He is the master of them both, and He does not have favorites.

Onesimus and Philemon

If you want further proof that the Bible does not lay out slavery as the ideal societal structure. I’d encourage you to read the book of Philemon. It is literally only one chapter long!

The book of Philemon is a letter Paul wrote to his brother in Christ, Philemon. The entire purpose of this letter was to encourage Philemon to release another brother in Christ from his obligations as Philemon’s slave. 

Onesimus was a slave who had run away from Philemon before finding Paul and becoming a Christian. Onesimus willingly returned to Philemon with this letter from Paul advocating for his release. Onesimus was likely with Tychicus when the latter delivered the Book of Ephesians. They likely delivered it and the Book of Colossians while on their way to deliver the letter to Philemon.

To the very places where Paul sent the words, “Slaves, obey your masters,” he sent a slave who he wanted to be set free.

In Philemon 1:8-9, Paul uses the following words, among others, to ask for Onesimus’ freedom:

That is why I am boldly asking a favor of you. I could demand it in the name of Christ because it is the right thing for you to do. But because of our love, I prefer simply to ask you. Consider this as a request from me – Paul, an old man and now also a prisoner for the sake of Christ Jesus.

Paul is laying it on pretty thick here. He is making a request, but he has phrased it in such a way that Philemon has no opportunity to see this request as truly optional: “In the name of Jesus, this is the right thing to do, but out of courtesy, I’m giving you the option.” Paul goes on in Philemon to point out that Onesimus is not simply a slave; he is a brother in Christ. 

Paul also says the following in a list of life circumstances that believers need not seek to change in 1 Corinthians 7:20-23:

Yes, each of you should remain as you were when God called you. Are you a slave? Don’t let that worry you – but if you get a chance to be free, take it. And remember, if you were a slave when the Lord called you, you are now free in the Lord. And if you were free when the Lord called you, you are now a slave of Christ. God paid a high price for you, so don’t be enslaved by the world.

It’s true that Paul didn’t demand that Christians overthrow the empire they were entrenched in, but he did lay down principles that – if Christians followed – would lead to the freedom of all oppressed people. It would naturally lead to equality in every relationship, and while we have a long way to go, that is the direction the church has been headed ever since.

I say this knowing full well that there are groups even now in America who are advocating for the return of slavery. These same groups want to take away the right for women to vote. “Trad wife” is a current fad of influencers that glorifies the idea that men should make all the decisions and women should not work outside of the home.

Despite glitches like these that rise from time to time, human history shows a pattern that is consistent with the growing kingdom of God in this world. God is – even now – making all things new. The mysterious plan for all of time to unite all things under Jesus is still underway. 

We can see glimpses of this progress in the many ways that equality and justice for the weaker and oppressed are valued among a large portion of the population. Don’t let the loud voices of the opposition fool you. Good triumphs over evil. Love conquers hate. Aslan is on the move.

Application

So, how do we take instructions given 2,000 years ago in a culture with very different values and come away with useful information for our lives and relationships now? I contend that we should model the principles given in these relationships and apply them accordingly to the structures of power and weakness that we have in our current day.

By way of application, here are a few points.

1. We should willingly give up our privilege for the sake of the weaker.

We are never called to domineer over anyone; we should not be demanding our own way. If you have power over others in this world, it is your responsibility to use that power for the benefit of those who do not have it.

We do this for two reasons. First, we follow the example of Jesus. He gave up His immense privilege in order to die for us and make us whole. What right do we have to consider our comfort as more important than those around us?

Second, because of the oneness we have in Jesus, the good of the people around us is also our good. We are on the same team. Life is not a competition to see how many luxuries we can accumulate. The goal is not to push others down so we can rise higher. Rather, our greatest good is found by helping people flourish.

2. When we are in the position of weakness, we still have power to use for Jesus.

It is not shameful to be the person that follows someone else’s lead. We are not less than if we do not have the power to order others around. No matter what authority someone may have over you, you have the power to choose your attitudes and actions.

Like we discussed in the first point, that power to choose how you respond to someone else’s authority should be used for their good. In this case, we give up our weaker authority to rebel in favor of supporting the leadership we are under.

We serve Jesus in whatever role we land in. Whether you are a spouse who needs to defer to the knowledge and ability that your partner brings to a situation, a child who needs to listen to their parent, or an employee who must follow the instructions of their unqualified boss, we can choose to submit for the good of the person in charge and as a service to God. 

We do this knowing that ultimately it benefits us for everyone to work together in kindness and consideration of one another.

3. Submitting to each other in reverence for Jesus benefits us all.

As we read last time in Ephesians 5:28-30:

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of His body.

As members of the body of Christ, we all benefit from the building up of our brothers and sisters who are one with us in Jesus.

Therefore, as we say goodbye for today, I will leave you with this: 

Brothers and sisters in Jesus, may you love your fellow believers as you love yourselves. May you nourish and cherish each other, completing the special work God has given you to do and building up the body of Christ until we all attain the full and complete standard of Jesus.